


19 years

by Aerynz



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt, imsorrythisisverydark, pleaseforgiveme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2019-10-29 21:45:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17816066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerynz/pseuds/Aerynz
Summary: Karolina has had enough of the pain residing in her head and heart.*TRIGGER WARNING*This fic is about suicide. Read at your own risk.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is really dark im sorry.  
> But I was in a very dark place a few days ago and I had to write something to let it out..
> 
> And yes, if there's enough support I will make a chap 2.

The intense feelings of sadness, anxiety, loneliness and everything in between were threatening to overtake her. For almost 19 years she’d been alone. Sure, she had her family and the church. But they couldn’t take her feelings of being a freak and not fitting in with society away. Not only had she recently discovered that she wasn’t entirely human, lighting up like a human glowstick whenever she took off her bracelet. She'd also had an epiphany about her sexuality. And with those feelings came another set of feelings.

 

19 years and not a single romance.

 

19 years and not a single kiss shared.

 

19 years, feeling depressed and lonely.

 

For the last few years unspeakable things had been creeping through her mind, slowly trapping herself in her own thoughts like a vicious cycle. The more she thought about how much she differed from the norm, the less she’d started to feel. And by now everything felt numb and faraway.

 

“Karolina?”

 

Nico was standing in front of her desk, waving her hand in front of Karolina’s face. This was clearly not the first time she’d called her name. Looking up at the goth girl she could see a mix of worry and annoyance playing out on her face.

 

“Yes?..” Karolina sighed, ready to be berated on her believes and ‘fake’ smiles.

 

“We are supposed to do this incredibly boring astronomy project together.” Those were not the words she expected to hear, and her lips subconsciously formed a tiny ‘oh’. Nico curiously cocked her head sideways intensely looking into Karolina’s tired eyes. “Are you okay?”

 

Karolina started to clear her desk, preparing herself for the next class.

“I’m fine.” One of the many lies she told herself over and over again for the last couple of years. She shoved her chair backwards and slung her bag over her shoulder. “My mom has a telescope, we could probably borrow it for the project.” She muttered.

 

Nico nodded “How about tomorrow night? We’re supposed to have clear skies and such.” Karolina shrugged, she didn’t have any energy to debate that. Even though she knew there probably wouldn’t be a tomorrow night for her.

 

“Tomorrow night it is!” Nico was already walking to her next class, but not before turning around and giving Karolina a last glance feeling some unease settling in her stomach.

* * *

 

 Karolina sat on her bed, hands cradling her head. She felt tired and cold. But most of all she felt useless and like a bother to the people around her. But after tonight she wouldn’t be able to disappoint them anymore. They’d be free from her.

 

A soft knock on her door got her out of her own thoughts for a second. “Yeah?” Leslie opened the door, looking emphatically at her exhausted daughter. She walked over to Karolina and sat down next to her. Karolina was hunched over, staring blankly at the floor.

 

“What would you like to have for dinner?” Leslie asked cautiously as not to have Karolina push her away again. Leslie had noticed how distant Karolina had grown the last couple of months. But whenever she wanted to help her, Karolina just shrugged her off and locked herself in her bedroom.

 

“Anything is fine mom...” Leslie wrapped an arm around Karolina’s waist, trying to give her any semblance of reassurance for whatever Karolina was feeling. Karolina didn’t move, she was still hunched over, desperately trying to avoid her mother's eyes.

 

“Pizza then?” Leslie let go of Karolina’s waist, gently putting her hand on Karolina’s back rubbing it in slow circles. “Sounds good.” Karolina’s voice sounded monotone and distant. In that moment Leslie desperately wanted to put that up to hormones and being a teenager. But she knew that something wasn’t quite right with her daughter. “I’ll call you when its ready.” Leslie hesitantly let go of Karolina’s back, giving Karolina’s leg a quick squeeze before leaving the bedroom.

 

Karolina just sat there for what felt like hours, before finally reaching for the cabinet in the bathroom. She’d saved a full bottle of anxiety meds from last year, when her doctor wrote her symptoms up to ‘The fear of failing’ which was partly true. But she didn’t take any then so she might as well use them now.

 

She grabbed a tall glass, filling it with water. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, _god I look ugly, why would anyone want me.._ She turned her back on the mirror and popped the pill bottle’s lid open.

 

Cheers..

 

One. Two. Three. They were easily swallowed.

 

Four. Five. Six. Karolina didn’t feel a thing.

 

Seven. Eight. Nine. Karolina walked over to her bed, sitting down on it.

 

Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Karolina let the empty container fall on the ground and put her drained glass next to it. She laid down on her bed, closing her eyes.

 

_**Silence** _

 

Karolina could feel how her heart was beating irregularly and soon after she noticed how hard it was to breath.

 

A few minutes later the doorbell chimed. _Must be the pizza delivery guy_. Karolina thought, feeling drowsy and tired.

 

She thought wrong.

 

She could barely hear the footsteps coming towards her room. The sound of her bedroom being opened followed suit. “Hey.. Karolina? I hope you don’t mind me coming over a night early. It’s just.. I had this weird feeling.”

 

Nico. It was Nico. Karolina tried to open her eyes, wanting her to go away. But she just didn’t have the energy to do so anymore.

 

“Are you sleeping? Its only like 5 PM.” Nico teased. “Karolina?” She could hear Nico walking up to her, gently shaking her. “Hey are you ok-” Nico shifted her stance stepping on something that caused a loud crack. “What is this?” Nico had found the empty pill bottle and glass. Shit.

 

The next words coming out of Nico’s mouth were raw and filled with pure shock and worry. “Karolina.. What have you done?!” Nico started to furiously shake her, frantically screaming for Leslie or just anyone to come and help her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico has to deal with what just happened with Karolina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to popular demand, I am finishing this work ^^ (One more chapter to go hehe)  
> Sorry that it took a bit longer than expected uwu

Nico could barely comprehend what was playing out in front of her.

 

Karolina looked as flawless as always and if it hadn't been for some dark circles around her eyes or her shallow breathing Nico could’ve sworn, she was just peacefully sleeping. Frank and Leslie had entered Karolina’s room in a rush soon after hearing Nico’s panicky screams for help. And now everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

 

Nico sat on top of Karolina, her hands pressing down on her shoulders, furiously shaking her in the hope to wake her up. She didn’t even remember when or how she climbed on top of her, she just knew she did. She could vaguely feel how Frank desperately tried to pull her off of Karolina, but she had an iron grip on her and couldn’t let go. Nico Minoru was physically unable to let go of Karolina. Her friend. Her polar opposite. The Ying to her Yang.

 

Nico kept repeating _Not again... not like Amy.. NOT HER.._ in her head, vision blurring slowly thanks to the waterfall of unshed tears. She didn’t even hear how Leslie was fumbling for her phone and then went into full panic mode when she contacted 911.

 

No. Nico was in shock, reliving the all too real moments she had experienced with Amy a few years back. And now she was seeing the same thing happening to her friend, _her_ friend she had neglected the past few years. Her friend she had ignored whenever she could feel Karolina’s gaze upon her at school which Nico kept on ignoring until Karolina finally walked away. And ironically enough, right now Karolina was walking away from her again... _indefinitely_.

 

After a few futile attempts by Frank, he was finally able to pull Nico off Karolina, leaving her in a ball on the ground. And there she stayed because Nico’s mind just wasn’t responding anymore to the interactions around her, she didn’t want to process what had happened, what was happening. Sobs were racking her entire body, she’d lost control over her mind and body, reliving her final moments with Amy and now the possible final moments with Karolina. 

* * *

 

 

One whole hour of panic and numbness passed in which Karolina had been taken away by EMT’s, rushing her to the hospital. Frank went with them in the ambulance, but Leslie had to stay behind to almost physically drag Nico into her car.

 

They had been sitting in the car for about 15 minutes, but Nico didn’t care where or how she was because Nico was mentally absent. She was felt like a part of her was dying every time she thought of Karolina, and each time she did, new tears would swell in her eyes. Looking over at Leslie, Nico noticed that she seemed to be in a very similar situation like her own, unable to control her tears and unable to control even the tiniest bit of this whole situation.

 

For the whole 15 minutes that Nico and Leslie were in the car together not a single word had been said. Until Leslie decided to break the silence.

 

“Did you know?” Leslie asked, her voice hoarse and shaky. “Did you know what she was going to do?” Nico weakly shook her head, eyes pinned on the car’s floor. “I just... had t-this f-feeling.” God, she hated how weak she sounded. Leslie glanced her way, eyes red and puffy thanks to the constant stream of tears.

 

“She missed you, you know?” Leslie looked back at the dark and eerie road they were driving on. “Ever since you were little kids, she always spoke kindly of you, not to mention how much you were the main character of her stories.. but after you kids stopped talking, Karolina stopped speaking to us as well.” Leslie took a deep breath, she had such a tight grip on the steering wheel that her knuckles turned white.

 

“We thought it was just a typical teenager thing to do but..” Leslie’s voice cracked, letting out a huge sob. Nico put a hand on her leg, “She’s g-gonna be f-fine. Its Karolina r-right?” Even Nico knew how unconvincing that had to sound, but she desperately wanted it to be the truth.

 

The ride to the hospital felt like it took years, between the silence and muffled sobs everything felt like it took too long, but now they’d finally reached it. The hospital itself looked like a complicated maze when compared to Nico’s school, but that didn’t stop Leslie. No, Leslie almost literally started running through the halls, eventually flying into Frank Dean’s arms, which immediately turned into a crushing hug.

 

Frank looked over Leslie’s shoulder, seeing a distraught Nico, so he waved her over to join the bear hug that was going on between Leslie and him. For some reason Nico accepted it, needing the warmth and comfort of another human being that felt about the same pain as she did. After a good 2 minutes of the half sobbing half sniffling hug, all three of them let go and stepped back.

 

They were standing in a huge hallway with a lot of different rooms attached to it. Looking around her Nico noticed a tuft of blonde hair through the window of the nearest hospital room. She had to assume that that was Karolina’s, because that would mean that she was alive. “How is she?” Leslie asked hesitantly. Frank took a deep breath, brow furrowing “She had her stomach pumped..” Frank paused, taking Leslie’s hands into his, eyes filled with a mix of worry and love. “But she hasn’t woken up yet and the doctors can’t give us an estimate when.. or _if_ she will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont worry! Fluff and real talk is on its way to you :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've been away for quite a long time, sorry..  
> I was busy getting my IT bachelor (which I did, yaaay) and then I went on a loooong vacation. But I'm back! And i wont be able to end this story this chapter because im not sure how to end it yet.  
> So this is an small update for the people who were really invested in this story.  
> Again, im sorry for leaving this tiny project alone for such a long time :(  
> BUT I WILL FIX IT!

Nico stared at her. Looking for any signs on Karolina’s face that she was starting to wake up. But Nico had no such luck in the past seven days. After her incident, nay, suicide attempt, Nico hadn’t strayed from Karolina’s side, practically living in the hospital, always nearby just in case something happened.

 

But nothing did. She just laid there motionless.

 

Nico’s mentality went downhill quick after the initial accident. The ever darkening circles around her eyes were unintentionally intensifying her goth style. She was tired, only sleeping for about 5 hours a day, never truly succumbing to a deep sleep. Why? Because Karolina was right in front of her, fighting for _or_ against her life.

Leslie and Frank were in the hospital room with Nico the first few days, but they had to get back to the church eventually. They’d told Nico that the Church was praying for Karolina’s safe return into the light, at which Nico had just blankly stared at Leslie, mentally shaking her head at the mention of that _cult_. Even though they had their differences, Leslie regularly came by the hospital to check up on Karolina, always bringing some food for Nico with her. They then sat in silence, rarely speaking to each other but finding comfort together in said silence.

It was the seventh day that Nico held Karolina’s hand in hers. Still warm. Still Karolina.

Nico felt conflicted. She was happy that Karolina was still alive, but at the same time furious that she tried to take her own life and might still succeed at it.

What would have pushed her to take such a drastic step? That was the one thought that kept haunting her. Was it the church? Did her mom push her too hard? Was she _that_ lonely? Or... Did Nico do something that made her friend want to commit suicide? She would never know the answer to that question unless Karolina woke up.

The shift in weight in her hand pulled Nico out of her thoughts. What was?.. “Karolina?” Nico squeezed her hand hoping it wasn’t a fluke or something that her mind had created. But it happened again, Karolina’s thumb shifted in Nico’s hand, almost as if she was trying to caress Nico.

“Oh my god, Karolina!” Everything stopped. Nico felt a wave of calmness come over her for a second before reality came rushing back. “NURSE!! NURSE!!” Nico yelled at the top of her lungs, causing her voice to break and tears to well up. A nurse rushed into the room, seeing a panicked Nico pointing at Karolina while maintaining a grip on Karolina’s hand. “She’s moving!”

**Author's Note:**

> Do you feel the need for a 2nd chapter?


End file.
